Dear 14 Year Old Me · Random Thoughts

Dear 14 Year Old Cristina

I know you’re hurting, Feels like you’re learning ‘Bout life the hard way And it ain’t working. Seems like forever That you’ve been falling, It’s time to move on You’re life is calling.
~Shannon Noll “Lift”

14 Year old Cristina,
I’ve been wanting to write you this letter for quite sometime, but have never been able to find the words. Just like every other time, I have spent the last ten minutes literally staring at this open word document. There are a couple reasons for that. I am way too distracted by the music blaring through my headphones to gather a single thought and Hunny is being way too adorable to ignore. However, that being said I have tried one too many times to complete this letter, and I have promised myself that tonight will be the night that I finally do it. I hope I am able to bring you some kind of hope and encouragement. I also hope that in sharing with you my mistakes and what I have learned that you will gain some knowledge and confidence. Or of course you could just roll your eyes and accuse me of saying the things I’m about to say are out of obligation, and they are not actually true nor do I know what I am talking about. Just like you accuse every other adult in your life. So let’s get one thing straight…..I still sleep with a nightlight, mom does my laundry, a few months ago I got a little too excited when dad came home with animal crackers for me, and this morning I stuck my fingers in the toaster. That last description by no means describes an adult. So there, nothing that is about to be said is out of obligation, it is the truth and you are going to listen!! And I assure you I know what I am talking about!!

I’m just going to get this out of the way. I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but mom and dad were right. The Jonas Brothers do break up…………don’t worry you will be okay. The Jonas Brothers may be over but the memories live on! Not to mention Nick is having a rather successful T.V and solo career. So I guess dad was right again “Nick is the talented one, he doesn’t need the other two.”

At night when setting your alarm make sure you set it to A.M not P.M. A mistake like that leads to you running around getting dressed in the morning. You accidentally put Julia’s uniform pants on instead of your own, and don’t realize until you get to school. It is then when you will truly see just how significantly taller you are than her.

Grade 10 science you will find yourself with a scalpel in your hand and a sheep eye in front of you. DO NOT DISSECT THE SHEEP EYE! I cannot emphasize that enough. See, You may think you have a pretty strong stomach, but apparently not while taking apart an eye ball. You will give a very fine dry heaving production in front of your entire class, as they all look on in horror. Not to mention I now have this weird phobia of eyes. I think it is from the traumatic experience of the lens cap sticking to my finger. Which lead to another dramatic production in front of the class. Only this time I was squealing while doing some weird spasm motion in attempt to remove the lens cap from my finger. You will know exactly what I am talking about soon enough. That is of course unless you SKIP CLASS that day. Seriously do it, save yourself the embarrassment and the trauma.

Cigarettes they are disgusting. You know they are bad for you but you will try one anyway. I’m not going to try and talk you out of it, because its so gross you have to experience it to believe it. But here’s the deal. Your not actually suppose to swallow the smoke, that was the mistake I made. Therefore, not just my lungs but also my stomach felt like they were on actual fire! All that while coughing uncontrollably, because you know I just took a puff from a cigarette and apparently that’s what happens. also, being the hypochondriac every time after that, every stomach and chest pain I have I’m totally convinced I am dying from nicotine poising. Moral of the story don’t swallow the cigarette smoke when you try it.

I know right now you are going through a really hard time, and you are a very sad girl. Sad to the point where you are starting to feel numb towards it. When I think about you (which is often) and I think about how truly sad you are, my heart can’t help but break for you. You feel like you have taken all you can take. Almost like you keep getting pushed up a cliff and any second you are going to get pushed off it. But I am going to let you in on a little secret…it does get better. I know that it is a total cliche, but it is the truth. I know right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise you if you keep walking through the darkness you will eventually start to see the light.

You go to school to get bullied, a daily routine that has become all too familiar. It is fair to say you are reaching your breaking point, and you are doing everything in your power not to snap. Don’t give them that power. Don’t listen to what they have to say because they are wrong! You have to believe me when I tell you that. Yes their words are hurtful, yes it is hard to walk through the school halls everyday when you feel like you have a giant target on your back. But a year from now those people will not matter. They will just be a couple of people in your past. What will matter a year from now is how see yourself. Listen kid, a year from now school will be great, the best it has ever been. You switch high schools, and the good thing is the positive experiences you have in that school will out weigh the negative ones you are currently having. But when you look in the mirror, it is the bullies words that will run through your head. when you look in mirror you don’t see beauty. You see a “Porker.” You see “Worthless.” You see “Ugly.” You see “A waste of space.” You are none of those things! You are beautiful, kind and worth everything!!! They are the ugly ones. You have to find a way to forgive them. It is a very hard thing to accept an apology you know you will never get. But you have to do it so you don’t turn cold hearted. You have to do it or you will have this anger inside of you that will only make you just as ugly as they are. Forgive, even though you will never forget. And maybe one day we will even thank them, because they showed us just how strong we truly are, and perfectly demonstrated to us everything we will never want to be….mean.

I’m going to leave you with that. I wish I had more to share with you but, I still have a lot to figure out myself. My life hasn’t even started yet, so I cannot tell you how this is all going to work out in the end. I would like to think that we end up happy and successful. I guess it all depends on what your definition of happy are successful are. But right now in this particular moment when you are 20, you will be doing okay. What I do know is this, we are undoubtedly very fortunate to be in the position that we are. To have two parents that would literally do anything to help us, whose love we never have to question. So the only piece of comfort I can give is, even if we end up flat on our face and we feel like the whole world has turned their back on us, we will always have two very important people whose backs will never turn. And they will help us stand back up. Don’t be afraid have courage as mom always says “You got this.” Be happy, smile and know that I love you very much!
Love Cristina (20 years old)
P.s. You still order a London Fog and a slice of Wacky Vegan cake when you go to Black Honey. I guess some things never change.c14